5...//..001 weapons of male destruction?

weapons of male destruction?

???? ha ha ha

chapter 5...//..001

weapons of male destruction?

chapte5..... there are some extended versions of my stories , if you look through the blogs, among other "things" for those who dare, at
https://cser5.blogspot.com ...good luck. :) ChRiS

.... ChRiS!!!!!

weapons of MALE d3struction

...dear Jane or John?

mails & memories about or with fee-males , girls & ladies

Marion ...was a nice visitor , a sort of artist, also involved in some visual media
" 2111108 HIy again Marion ,Ca va?????? I am in "exile" at the adriatic coast, not far from ROSE at Miriste (Lucista bay)
...............luckily that "visual present" you gave me when here survived.. and is on my "exiled" souvenir place ;) <stoel by "policemen" of HN>
so you are in Bretagne? how is it for you...???...a long time ago I was in that area, I liked it very much.. but///...
I had a car accident there with my first "company car" but my then GF (Gaye) and I had no injuries ..the car, only 3 months old was a twisted wreck
(finished) they had just brought in seat=belts ..we were LUCKY... I always ahve been ...during the million KMs i drove around europe
.........i wasted 3 cars ..but no injuries from those incidents..."
..

"Hello ..Irina ..only a few days left to contact me and... join.....?
Its been a long time , and about half an ocean has gone "under the bridge" since we met pre LIVERPOOL 08, etc..
.......I am currently based, since about a decade in Montenegro... and wondered where & what you are doing
private or ... just a friendly contact, thats all, as I am leaving (anti)"social media" to focus on my aims & objectives..
I would be very pleased to read something from you
take care, best wishes
ChriS SMITH"

..but then there is RUSSIAN IRINA, stayed with me 3 months at Rusa Radulovica, at the beginning of the CORONA scare, no rent..we shared some food bills..I am sure she was richer than she said..
taught horse ridign until SHE fell off.. went back to Moscow then came with Dan to VP, and acted bad.. this exchange was the year before..
<ChRiS 211029 Re: Cs200510> I am even LESS time on f book in summer ..i just need 2 answers from you (by return)
will u provode the car saturday until monday for my use? and do you still want to join the party with your guitar & music on 18thJune?

> below the correspendence until now....
_____________________________________
CS> 200610
> 1. re YOUR rent-a-car ; you are the only driver, you do not allow me to drive..the owner is YOUR friend! you use the car for yourSELF, to go where YOU want, I paid 50% to secure
ONLY 10 days of MY choice! YOU wasted time and FUEL, because you did not WAIT for my "OK" for MY 10days - 4 days still OUTSTANDING
> OF COURSE you pay for car FUEL, as YOU are using it ALL the time, you did NOT want to leave it here for ME!
> 2. MOST important i have hosted you like YOU are my sister, and opened up, like this is also your home
You respond by acting like a stranger in a hostel! you stepped over the line. you dont make ANY effort to understand me or respect me or my home,
BUT expect everyone to accept and understand YOU & your selfish "conditions".. I have done MORE for you than for anyone else ....BUT; you are never grateful!

> IF YOU do not wish to take the time to BOTHER to understand & accept what I wrote to you, and you do NOT CARE enough about MY feelings just for your own selfish
wants & needs.. then I am NOT gping to bother with you! do you want to cancel the event at the caffe 18th June ALSO??
___________-

IR> 's very bad that you don't want to talk with me just sent a letter.
I have no good translation and you know it. If you don't like what I do it is because you don't understand me
Every evening I need relaxing time in about 3-4 hours before sleep and I need to check news from Russia and contact with some people from Russia
It's my normal life and you won't I change my normal life for you and for your feelings I don't like to watch films
If you're angry of me Ok. About car you pay only 30 years for disel and I pay 150 already. I used a car only to go somewhere with you. Only two
times I've been somewhere alone without you. So now you owe me about 100 euros for diesel
It is very expensive for me to drive and sometimes you don't want to go somewhere when I'm already come and it's also not good for me
Now it is big problems in Russia. I have not any more option to take money from Russia so I don't have money at all.

CS>
u disturbed mne yestreday morning and I gave you my full attention... this morning I am entitled , more than entitled, to deal with the 100 messages I answer daily..
u dont want to understand so there was NO reason to again stop and deal with you, you clearly do not appreciate what i do... not everything is about YOUR needs!
if you dont want to take the time and read what I sent...thats your problem..
<I wrote to her, because i know she uses the trabnslator, and she then has time to reflect on my words, instead of in angry discussion>
... i dont want to waste any mnore time TODAY ,,so i suggest you DO make SOME effort... you dont make any effort to RESPECT me..

IR> I don't need your full afternoon. I need to relax out of people, I don't want conversations all day. It's terrible for m? You don't talk about problems it is a problem
_________________________________________________________________________

CS> Hello Irina, (you should translate this CAREFULLY) it is important for ME! for you to UNDERSTAND me!
...You may have seen, I was "quiet" this morning , I woke early again and concentrated on my own communications. because I did not have a FEELING to care about what you want today~~!! because you seem so
selfish.. last night , you closed yourself in the room, did not want to share a movie, in any language.. you dont appreciate that I look for things that please YOU too.. when
you are here.. do you ever think to please me? <NO, NOT "like that" !> I do not NEED a female for sex, but I will not be tested on my levels of tolerance.. by you or anyone...
i expect humanity and social awareness..
I have hosted you, supported you and even promoted you since you arrived last year..and in return, ?
you do not even introduce me to your "friends"... you do not invite me to join with anyone ...but, I invited YOU, to many dinners, parties, lunch & outings..etc etc etc..

YOU are ANTI social ..to leave (Twice) during dinner time, then to stayin your room all evening ..!!I dont care what those horse-fools do,, it is YOUR choice to OBEY what
they want, and they do NOT respect you, but ....I will NOT accept to be disrespected because of that!!
you came yesterday without a plan, I have asked so many times for you to respect MY time, and to warn me 24 hours before...
you take the car to VP...why? you complain about money .. and you wont share the car that I paid half of...

I paid half for the car rental (e100 plus e40 for a tank) I paid Vasilly for bringing us back to Pg after"your "friend" ruined MY day with his stupidity
... it was clear that the gearbox was a source of the problem..but YOU want to stay :friends: with Him & the russian clique..but you dont care about me...
you dont show if you like, me, ,,but I INSIST that you RESPECT me,
yesterday was 8th June, a significant date.. I thought you would talk with me more about "history"but EVERY hour we are together you are stuck on your phone!!
you are not a brain surgeon, NO one NEEDS to be 24/7 contactable ; NO ONE!
I made the party plan for 18th June at caffe , to also promote YOU, you never thank me..until you were leaving this morning to care for horses and cook
breakfast you yourself.. you say "thanks" it is rare..
anyway...
you owe me 4 more days ..at least.. insult me when u wont even come out of the room to say "goodnight"..
as for the next days...you could make some suggestions..as my tolerance level is over the limit..
<ChRiS 200609 >
see also > "a Poem for a Roven",,? <

-----------------------------

and this was an "exchange" from a young lady ..who was on holiday/touring "Monty"... we had an "affair" , a surprise...for me, at least.. she told me she LOVED me
well , I took it... but I also rembered how THREE women, in my live told me "I will love you forever" ..but only ONE was SINCERE...

"anyway" ,,this exchange as before, is backwards IN TIME, I feel this way you dont jump to "conclusions" ?

the LAST Subject: ChRiS 211101 happy CElts new Year ...to YOU too?
Date:
11/1/21, 3:59 AM
To: zuzka.kosman
Hello Zuz,
its SEVEN years , ..I have "quit" anti--social MEd1a ..the time wasted with hypocrites, sheeple and their fing BOOK PR_opaganda this last year or so was taking up too much time, so I am focussed on local issues whilst progressing a plan to make our own...
I was updating my old email system and read this "exchange" which meant so much to me SEVEN years ago...
so I wonder ...and ask;
ARE you still that "indepdendent" woman, able to cut me off ... ? or are you someones "woman"??
have you avoided the traps? I wish you well, i miss you , still
I am in |exile" at the adriatic coast since 6 months,,, :)
Alone, but never really lonely..
sincerely
your ChRiS x

----------------------------------------------------------------------
CS14824Zuz.txt
From: "CS" To: "Zuzka Kosman" A repeated warning of "Karma" and wishing YOU a "happy ChriSmitH"
Date: 24 August 2014 13:27
sure, Zuzanna , you can run away, from ME, YOU can cut me off, but you cannot hide from "karma" or Y-our TRUE self,
all my love, ChRiS
p.s. I had a great meeting with my guests this morning, YOU should have been here!
one of the BIGGEST mistakes YOU make is that you "read" quickly and often miss the NUANCE (MEANING) of my message,
so, after this morning,i go back TWO weeks....read again, and this time, UNDERSTAND,

..........because YOU NEED IT! ..NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://now2balien.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-message-for-u-x-y-z.html
Good BE with you....
WARNING 140814 finding a Balance between a Happy Alien ChRiSmItH and The UNusual ZuzPect
Date: 13 August 2014 13:54

WARNING to be read with LOVE, Care and a LOT of UNDERSTANDING! :)==========================================
(NOT a POle Dancer) <MY dark side of HUMOUR... she did not dance, is polish = therefore my "NOT a Pole Dancer" >
CS>
I went running and considered your long email ; the MOST WONDERFUL letter I can EVER remember ,
only the letter from Jacqui that I showed you touched my SOUL in a similar way.... <that Letter was also in my belongings STOLEN !!>
(btw) If I make spelling mistakes it may be because My SOUL is way ahead of my human Heart and mind.. :)
I AM Strong, AGAIN, and I CHALLENGE you to make YOURSELF strong enough to match me..

The first time I met U at "Berlin" (a.k.a. "BraZ-ill") and the <CSing> "boys" told me they adopted this "beauty" ..I started to question it, and within the next morning it was you who was clearly in "control"..
of TomaS , who said "nice things" but who will probably be "in the box" for the rest of his life in regret ...and Daniel, loving the thought of sex with you, like a boy , I can be him too, flirting casually and easily discarded..........
I invited YOUR return because of YOU, your project impressed me and the "instinct" said I NEEDED to know you more..
and the conviction that YOU NEED to know me..Z!

The film "Full Monty" just finished, and thats the CHALLENGE i cannot ignore, (The "fully monty" = the whole thing) and U do not YET feel or see, who i have to BE
... here now ...and how you could be .. not just with ME , but outside of ME, ...Balanced , a FreeBird, who can fly as high as ME!
So, I wrote this as I would like....it to be , as IF its a conversation, and I am "responding" ( btw "ME" is also the abreviation of MONTENEGRO!!!!)
..the UNIVERSE is my friend and my enemy, I allow this journey if I agree... but, I would have come with you to Krakow, had YOU wanted ME!!! :)
The Sting song lyrics "IF you love somebody set them free" came to mind, and then to balance that with THIS;
"Freedom is just another name for nothing left to lose" ... u wont improve yourself by protecting yourself!
...there is NO "security" (that U refer to in the 3rd email) the only "secure" way is to be "ready" for whatever ,
or WHOever comes IN to your life, so, I AM HERE, NOW! :)

U(Zuz); The UNusual Zuzpect....a little humour as I thought u were spelt SUS when I first met u)

U>On bended knee is no way to be free
lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breathe

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
owning me like gravity are places that pull
if ever there was someone to keep me at home
it would be you

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees
they're singing with the dead
overhead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite forever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me
guaranteed

CS> thats a wonderful text, similar to those I have written MYSELF, ... I understand, and I feel a little insulted if you are a bit arrogant
....(do you WANT to know MY "poems"? have a look through http://cser5.blogspot.com its a private log or diary of events,
feelings and comments that I intended that MY CHILDREN should have , as they dont know me, and for my "soul mate" )

btw, don't think I would ever beg anything of you....

ZK> Chris,
I didn' ignore you. I didn't.

CS> I have explained to young people (older people are often too "established") in my "creative academy courses" that COMMUNICATION is important,
and IF YOU CARE, its VITAL to consider how your message , mail, sms, phone call, or words are RECEIVED, ....people "send", like a bad pass in football,
without consideration how it is received ...its IMPORTANT how its received, your lack of courage was expected (that was "ignoring me" and you know it!)

ZK> I don't know where to start and where I should leave it. It seems like they both - the beginning and the end - don't exist at all.

CS> I wrote that THIS IS "the end of the beginning" ..the rest is in y-our hands ... (**as per the story of the Village wise man and the youth gang leader) :)

ZK> You give me a hard time and I don't know how to react. I told you how terrible I am at relationships (at ANY relationship, not to mention this one with you).
I know what you want, Chris, and I'll never give it to you.

CS> I CHALLENGE you, and I WARNED YOU TOO! ... I am honest, and thats not always telling you the nice things , I RISK ALL the pain it costs me to tell you the TRUTH , about ME and about ..U ...you surely dont want me to LIE ,
as all the others DO, too? YOU know much of me , but you DO NOT know what I want .....BE SURE about this!! , DO you think in a few days,
as much as you have been closer than ANYONE in my life, that you know 1000s of years of ME and my experince, my SOUL, my Being, my reasons,MY journey or OUR journey? ..but you will.........

ZK> You want me to be WITH you. To SHOW my feelings in public. To TELL everyone we're together. ..You'd like to have a family and a house with ME. Little boy and a dog. Garden with playground.

CS> part true ; I NEED you to be WITH me when you are WITH me, not necessary to "broadcast" but also not to deny me, you could have dealt with situations better ,
I can show you how, you could show you care if i am hurt ... about the House and Dog, I think YOU are more keen on that...
I laugh at Ranko, (in a friendly way) because the picture you paint is HIS, not mine, and I have NOT yet "cemented" MY base,
BECAUSE I will be ready for all I have to be ready for, I have "poked the bear" and maybe the biggest chapter and Challenge will come within days
...I believe in YOU standing by my side, not in the kitchen, bed or garden (but thats also places I can be too) so in this point YOU ARE SURPRISINGLY wrong,
because I told you otherwise, I "CARED" during your Hiking because I am in a human body, and felt like a "guardian" because of particular circumstances ,
I just wish you had remembered what I told you. and WHY! (btw I even probably prefered daughters, and maybe that didnt help my sons..)
I will take what is true, I love children, sure... they dont have to be MY "property" ...dont u get that.? NOW!

ZK> "showing you care, in communication or coming back, or meeting me (without limits) in Krakow or Liverpool or on the moon, is what I NEED from you"
You've been warned at the very first day.

CS> you need to warn yourself, because its YOU that "couldnt handle it" ... YES I want you to care..because until you find this balance, YOU are NOT the person you should BE!

ZK> So you'd said - I know; I'll take the risk. I thought - for a very short while I was absolutely sure - you understood the heart of ME.
I thought - oh God, why I did, actually? - you're just like me. Just as INDEPENDENT, strong, decisive. That you can move on - always, no matter what.
That you've got as MANY things to do in life as me.

ME CS> Yes , no regret , this is MY risk, and YOUR RISK< you are coming from a place, I am coming from a place ...> we are the same and yet Different,
the ying and Yang, I always "move on" but I also know what is wrong, what is GOOD ..and will fight the universe if I know ....
what I am DRIVEN to do... by the unlimited energy in ME!

ZK> And I thought to myself - he's great. He's just the person who I WANT in my life (and I don't let a lot people in)... I was ready to give you ANY support,
help, discuss with you anything you'd like to do in Montenegro OR out of this country. ..I was ready to talk to you any time you need it.
I was ready to come over for Christmas and prepare the table to not let you feel loonely... And I was ready to look after you when you're sick.
And in exchange I just wanted to know how you're doing; I wanted you to write me letters or CALL ME in emergency;
I wanted you to know I'm ALWAYS there. I could fight everyone who would harm you. Protect you for the rest of my life.

CS> a..you say you "was" ..have you given up on me SO easily? ...aha......and there is your error, YOU think i would accept a "one way street"
.. CARING is not the sort of stuff Ranko wants for me, to have a woman if I am sick , or is simply "there" at dark times, at Xmas etc,..
YOU COULD be MY equal, but even you with your incredible abilities SEE me as physical weak, (aged) I am not an "emergency friend" _
I dont want a "Friend" ... *(Billy Joel ..."HOnesty") I just want you to BELIEVE in me..get to KNOW who I really am. (*Iris - goo goo dolls)
and YOU still, whilst knowing SO much only know ..a part..! :)

ZK> I've saved the number of Ranko because I was scared if something SERIOUS happened to you (yes, physically), you wouldn't be able to tell me. (or you wouldn't like to).
And then - of course - I knew it! - nothing is like we imagine.

CS> (well my nose is broken, but thats not "serious" when my heart gets broken, or at least damaged!) you are wrong, EVERYTHING can BE, IF YOU BELIEVE,
.............you are scared to love me..that much....and torn between what you started to feel (you wrote "Crazy in love with you") and your "conviction"
(a word I use very deliberately, because its a prison too) that you feel you must prove your independence by forcing me away, almost every message since you left Tolosi, tasted of "Ive Gone - move on" ..WELL, my risk, my choice, OUR consequences

ZK> When I came back to Podgorica and you made this FIGHT (day when we visited Ranko's family) - you told me I left you alone in the situation. That I didn't share and didn't show off my feelings - and I knew you'd demand too much.
That it's not enough for you to take what I could offer. It felt like you want me as your PROPERTY - I KNOW you didn't mean it!(!!!)
but I also understand your behavior.

CS> a Lifetimes emotions .<a day renmembering losses> and my feelings for you that day.(with the risk that I lose U too, a weak moment) .... NO, you dont...its not "property"
.....DO U REALLY think those words used by Leon's mother when she told me that he was "her possession", would let me do that to YOU? -
Again this part of this wonderful letter, is wrong.. I just simply wanted U to care IF I was hurt, and you were too busy being "independent" to show show a little humanity..(a kiss on the cheek!,
then or at the train station...!!!!!) and (see other email) that was and is SELFISH..

ZK> It's never gonna be like that, Chris - I'm never gonna be YOUR women. And most probably - NOBODY's women, too.
When I left you for the last time everything around YOU suddenly started to be about ME - with every your message you sent a needle straight into my heart - only things you could talk about were the things I did WRONG.

CS>NEVER is a long time...(it dont exist) .....During The 2nd visit , I "proposed" , (you "accepted"!!,but forget that you said I am the" Man of your life")
...OK, I get it,, BUT, you ARE MY woman as much as I am YOUR man, and I know you wont like this,,,,but at that time, and forever it is true,
I dont ask for a house, dog, kids, garden to prove this, ...it is TRUE, however many things you do to hurt me, or yourself to say it is NOT, to push ME away, ,
that doesnt make me your property or vice verca , I CLAIM that it makes us EQUAL, it makes us partners ..SOUL MATE

ZK> I didn't want to meet your friend in Belgrade - yes, it's true. I didn't want to and the reason was NOT the dinner with English (oh, fuck them all) but
- I simply wasn't interested to meet a person who doesn't even have real influence on your life. Who doesn't even KNOW you (I'm thinking about it now
- meeting couple from Novy Sad could be actually important, as you seemed to have quite strong connection to them so I could ask them about you;
I apologise I didn't). ..You know I can deal with BELGRADE (even in the night!) by myself. I don't need you to protect me - or to ask other people to do it.
I know you WANT ME to be PROTECTED (however strange it sounds) but I'd never agree on it.

CS> Thats "interesting", SO above, you propose to "care about me" ..to come in emergency , nurse, xmas, etc to be there when I need (i needed U monday!!)
BUT your "conditions" say that I cant CARE about you , when I feel you are in danger, I didnt feel that when U went to Niksic, I didnt AFTER you were in Kotor,
BUT I did with Bg, and I find it unusually blind for you not to realise this, (particular circumstances) you want to PUNISH me!
...although,. YOU sent me an apology via sms , so, what is true ? I gave my reasons,, cant u accept them ,
on the situation without choosing to make them a "crime" punishable by ignorance?

ZK> "IF you dont want anyone to see my feelings for YOU or to SHOW feelings for me publicly then that also fits that YOU dont want to meet Serbian acquaintances of mine
in case they aSK YOU ABOUT me" YES, Chris. I don't want people to ask me about you and I don't want to show my feelings //but in this case it wasn't a reason.
I don't mind other people to know I love you (or - I'd do everything for you). I just don't agree to let them know I'm YOURS (or - you're MINE)
couse it's definitely not true. It's terrible lie.

CS> its also a BIG Lie to ignore me , or hurt me because I Care (how does this comment of yours" balance" with "i'd do anythign for you"?)
yeah, "anything" that YOU WANT to do, so it doesnt bother YOUR "COMFORT ZuzONE" .;) ...... do you understand WHY I CHALLENGE you, NOW?
and I wanted them in NS to help you on your way, and meet you for many reasons I shouldnt have to explain..
.(btw no one is MY "friend" ..no one has earned that..and i dare not let in anyone who cant handle it)

ZK> And - F CK! - I'm so sorry for the day of your <deceased> son's birthday. I wanted to call you. I wanted to be with you, to help you somehow; I didn't find courage.
I didn't know what to tell you. And - I wasn't really brave enough to hear what you could tell me. I'm so terrible sorry. Our last phone call made me feel terrible again - I felt like I'm disappointing you (AGAIN and AGAIN).
But I know sometimes your expectations are too high. I'll never be like you dream of - and I think I shouldn't feel guilty, that's the way it is and I can't help it,
becouse I wouln't be MYSELF anymore.

CS> MY expectations ARE the HIGHEST , because YOU are higher , ...well, Never is a VERY long time....but, ....YOU, like ME, are on a journey,
I knew it was going to be a tough time. knowing you , even if you had closed the door, gave me "momentum" I AM STRONG again,.
but I dont want or NEED to "defend myself" against YOU, unless U want to hurt me , do you?

ZK> It's NOT the LOVE you're dreaming about - so maybe I'm the wrong person? Maybe I'm not the one you're looking for? The feelings I've got for you are unique
- I'm completely convinced about it. But still - I won't share my life with you. I can't start anything WITH you
(projects, work for community, enviroment, whatever you call it). I thought it's becouse of FEAR I told you about - no, I think it isn't the fear.
Maybe I'm not even scared - maybe I simply don't NEED to. Is it wrong? Does it mean I'm not a good person?

CS> (U ask the question!!!! with "maybe" :) ..... YOU ARE the entity , the other , the opposite "match" ...., being here together was and IS the "dream".....
...... I told you, I am the luckiest boy, of the UNIVERSE, and I (we) have much to do.. I told you I UNDERSTAND you, but I sometimes dont agree ,
I wont flatter you, I will be romantic when U allow it :) Niagara! ..BUT, we dont have to be "together" always to sort out this planet...
I believe in SYNERGY ... but your independence is also your prison., not mine!

ZK> The love I can offer you is not romantic at all - but I would say it's the most resistant of all kinds. The most beautiful.
I imagine I can still BE there for you. Even if we don't share any activities; life; friends. I felt closer to you than to people who I meet everyday.

CS> a Lot of words by us both... :)

ZK> ANYWAYS, Chris - I started to read your Blog. Thank you for sharing the link.
Z.

CS>ZuZ, I BELIEVE, in all and Nothing, I Believe IN FREEDOM, with all the consequences...
I believe in U ....and ME... and whatever will be, will BE!
your ChRIS
:) X+y = Z ........
?
p.s. ...IF I "disappear" YES you can be "emergency angel" and tell all you know (or dont) to my children,
I will give any information (for what its worth) to Ranko, <no longer in contact, BTW!>but I still dont know If I can depend on him in all situations,
so I must prepare myself for "the fight" :) cuvaj SE ! I am so in love with you... :)
(if it s possible your letter made me love you more !,) i am NOT "sorry" :) that I took THE RISK>>

========================
CS>
someONE (!) more than yourself is "selfish" and U lose the best, (I will explain in time) its ironic .
..that U wrote back now with this ..AS I was taking time to reply FULLY to you,re WONDERFUL email ,
when my laptop FROZE (significantly) and so I watched the Film on Tv whilst waiting for my Laptop to come back on, I LOST all the stuff
(and some very accurate descriptons of this "situation" to explain to you and me) when the film, "The Full Monty" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Full_Monty )
came on ..made me laugh at this and MYself... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA3W36JVnRc a dark smile
...because I will challenge you in the next (hopefully uninterupted "response"
p..s do U think I didnt notice the change from "I love you, .... to "love"
Z ........?
? ChRIS X+Y=Z
? do you think your top professors can understand this "equation" ?

From: Zuzka Kosman To: ChRiS
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2014 10:25 AM
Re: CHRIS, it's ME
U can "have it all" ..what U want , the independence, but U cant be only "selfish" ..because if u stay that way,
U will never know the depth of love and feelings this "human experience" brings ? Chris,
That's my point? - you CAN stay independent and stay COMPLETLY yourself - no need to compromise! -
and know what real LOVE means. Independence is not selfish. It's secure, but not selfish.

=====================================
CS>
Zuz, I will reply ,to your other email,
much awaited and HIGHLY appreciated and you will be SURPRISED that YOU just gave me another reason (Y)
I love you so much, yes I need "someone" I dont imagine , I know who U can be
, oR NOT , you are right about many things I read in that message and I want to answer slowly and carefully,
so, I will go for a run, and BTW, I dont believe in " GOD" ..I believe in GOOD, and the answer is-IN your hands,,,
(remember the story of the "wise man" and the young gang leader... U can "have it all" ..what U want , the independence, but U cant be only "selfish"
..because if u stay that way, U will never know the depth of love and feelings this "human experience" brings
... I am not apologising, but maybe U will know me better ...(and U already know a lot) about my challenge,
about me and about yourself..."to be continued" ...ChRiS X+y = Z :)

----- Original Message -----

From: Zuzka Kosman To: chrismith@mypod
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2014 2:58 AM
Subject: Re: CHRIS, it's ME

Chris,
I think you just need someone to love - to let all this emotions out. You don't need ME. You need SOMEONE.
And however it's an honour to be this particular someone at THIS time - don't imagine me and my personality anymore, for God's sake!
You're looking for someone else. Someone different. I'm sure.
Take care, please.
Write if you need me. Anytime.
Love you.
Z.

============================================================================

"XYZ diary"...... in chrono///time//

14811=17h..a "lastfastsms" before emailing..I HOPE, U are ok, I am in a dark moment, despite the Sun, without Son,
its Leons Birthday and no contact, so I am holding on to your words, doing my utmost not to be "desperate"
......"Zu" always remember the last day at the restaurant..so nice, romantic, calm and thats how i want to remember YOU.
Waving at the train station in Podgorica (Believe me or not, I was crying like a baby)
Ive been absolutely in love at that moment, it was really magical, never felt like that, I still am, I love you like crazy....
" BUT I will be strong ..tomorrow...take care,

ChRiS................
In a sky full of people only some wany to FLY (crazy Seal) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fc67yQsPqQ
tomorrow I will be strong...and...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w ? check>?
again..

======================================

in "MONA Lisa" Bob Hoskins plays George, a tough but basically goodhearted British mob flunky,
recently released from prison, where he'd served a term to cover up for his gangster boss (Michael Caine).
Still willing to be everyone's doormat, George agrees to act as chauffeur for Simone (Cathy Tyson),
a haughty, high-priced call girl. They don't like each other at first, but George begins to fall for her and take a protective interest.
She implores him to help her find her only truly friend, a prostitute named Cathy (Kate Hardie).
Touched by this devotion, George locates the girl, only to be chagrined to learn that Simone and Cathy are lovers.
Hoskins is used and abused by so many people in Mona Lisa that when the worm finally does turn,
you feel like cheering--even though it doesn't make him any happier.
Director Neil Jordan cowrote this study of underworld mores with David Leland.
~ Hal Erickson, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mona_Lisa_%28film%29

?=======

140812 sms> 23h Hiy Zuz, How are things there now? after almost a week of constant contact ,
It feels "extreme" to be cut off now, No comms from anyone either, no visitors, anyway,
Take care & Goodnight x ChRiS (p,s, and Robin Williams is dead!)

14813 This morning, I suppose my wish-thinking thaT U would care enough about my feelings to call me on Leon's birthday
or just because, were just that... we agreed MY " expectations" that you would be TRUE , and Honest with me, MEAN whaT you say and say what you MEAN...
be careful about the word "mean" its has other MEANings :)

======================================
From: "ChRiS" To: "Zuzka Kosman"
Subject: Y ChRiSmiTH v the UNusual ZuzPECT :) (a.k.a. The non Pole dancer) Re: 14813 U are me Re: CHRIS, it's ME
Date: 13 August 2014 11:52
Independence , without the ability to care enough for someONE (!) more than yourself is "selfish"
and U lose the best, (I will explain in time) its ironic ...that U wrote back now with this ..
AS I was taking time to reply FULLY to you,re WONDERFUL email , when my laptop FROZE (significantly)
and so I watched the Film on Tv whilst waiting for my Laptop to come back on, I LOST all the stuff
(and some very accurate descriptions of this "situation" to explain to you and me) when the film,
"The Full Monty" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Full_Monty ) came on ..made me laugh at this and MYself...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA3W36JVnRc a dark smile
...because I will challenge you in the next (hopefully uninterrupted) "response"

p..s do U think I didnt notice the change from "I love you, .... to "love you"
Z ........ in reply to
From: Zuzka Kosman
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2014 2:58 AM
Subject: Re: CHRIS, it's ME

Chris,
I think you just need someone to love - to let all this emotions out.
You don't need ME. You need SOMEONE.
And however it's an honour to be this particular someone at THIS time - don't imagine me and my personality anymore, for God's sake!
You're looking for someone else. Someone different. I'm sure.
Take care, please.
Write if you need me. Anytime.
Love you.
Z.

footnote , some time later I refkected on those mails ^ sms which, as she left Podgorica and got nearer ro Krakov got weaker, she pannicked, how could she#explain ME to her 20 or even 30-something
acqaintances, this she may deny, but that she also cancelled a flight to me when she was connecting in Eindhoeven says
her albeit string character had moments of doubt, about herself, that I still feel I could strengthen..

Mind you, It also reminds e when I was In Frieburg, having the kong fistance relationship with Mary/Marifa of Malta
although we were "together" quite some time , she was separated , and "wanted to live & was in love, with me"
backed out when she because sick from the stress of the extreme catholic society, & her close faimly who would shun her if she "married" me...

+++++++++++++++
poems see poens...